Thursday, August 14, 2014

Multiplied

{Pictures from yesterday [39 weeks and 4 days pregnant]. Matching clothes are a coincidence. Matching smiles are not.}


Yesterday when I was putting Kate down for her nap, I swept her into my arms (a much less graceful event than those words convey) and held her for a few minutes. She snuggled into my embrace--a rare enough occurrence--and let her legs dangle awkwardly over my distended belly.


And I, in my 9-months pregnant emotional state, started to cry as I let the depth of how much I love her wash over the both of us. I mourned a little, too, for how much her life (our lives) will change in a matter of days. It broke my heart to think that she will not remember this time--this special two and a half years when it was just Kate and Mommy and Daddy and nearly everything has revolved around her. It made me sad to think that she alone won't be my focus anymore, and even though I know that giving her a sister is one of the best things I can do for her, I am so sad to see this halcyon season end.


Kate has a bright, sweet demeanor--her personality sparkles. I have often joked that her default setting is "cheerful"--even if we have to wake her in the middle of the night, her first words are "Hi, Mommy! Awake now!" said with a smile. I don't know where she came from, this chipper child, but I'm so grateful she's mine.


I am a bit sad for this new baby, too, that I won't be able to consecrate all of myself to her care like I could for Kate. But as I learned in grad school, differences aren't necessarily disorders, and so I pray that there will be some divine equation where being divided doesn't equal being lessened, but somehow multiplied through grace. If motherhood can be for me what feeding the 5,000 was for Jesus, I will see the miracle of it and be grateful.


8 comments:

  1. Yes, you will find that parental love has the innate ability to multiply, to divide, to add, but never to subtract. It can expand; it can encompass. It's first recipient needs feel no diminishing of its touch nor should the second or any subsequent arrival know any less love than was given the first.

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  2. you are so beautiful! oh how I love you and these photos!

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  3. Love this! I know just how you feel. I was a little sad just before Henry was born that it would no longer just be us, but how grateful I am for the sweet little personality and joy he has brought to our family. I mourn a little with the third coming that now he will feel the sadness at having to share me with a younger brother, but I know that too will end up to be a happy event. You are great, Lindsay, we miss you guys so much

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  4. I felt exactly like this before having Rosalie!! I was so apprehensive about actually having the baby because I was so afraid/sad to disrupt my precious girl's life. I was just thinking today, though, that my life would feel so incomplete without both of my babies and how it will feel the same with every child I have. Somehow your heart and your home will make room and a hole you didn't know existed will be filled. :) p.s. Hallelujah for the awkward bedtime snuggles to almost be to an end. It was so hard to put Annalise to bed the last few months!

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  5. Also, you look so great! I can see your malleoli (ankle bones) and cheek bones, all of which disappear at the end of my pregnancies haha. Good luck with your labor!

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  6. Once again your blog has brought me to tears, I totally feel the same way about my special time alone with B coming to an end. And what darling pictures of the two of.you together... and matching. Too cute!

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  7. Lindsay, you really have a way with words. Good luck on #2! I know you will be a wonderful mother of two! It was a hard transition for me for the first couple of weeks, now it's seriously delightful!

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  8. Uff da! I'm going to cry. I sure love you, Kate, and Jay. This new baby girl doesn't even know how blessed she is to call your family hers. I so respect and love the way you parent, and I am excited to see how this new babe adds to the mix. Joyful and crazy moments to come, now if she would only come out now!

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